| [ rage against the world ] |
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Have you ever wanted to scream at the world? Have you ever raged against something, and wanted so sweetly to release that part of you that would visit destruction upon what had done you wrong? Of course you have, we're all human.
For me, there has always been a monster, a beast that rages within me. It's been hurling itself against the barriers of my mind, my soul and my morality for as long as I can remember. It has raged against the all wrongs I've been aware of in this world and ached so painfully to be set free. Thou it has been released from time to time - I've come to regret it, and I try to never let it out, not if I can help it. Very few people are genuinely nice people. Too many people only look out for themselves and take advantage of others whenever the opportunity presents itself; to say nothing of the outright manipulation and backstabbing that goes on to feed some people's self-serving greedy natures. Nobody does anything these days simply because it would be the helpful or nice thing to do, there is always "the alterior motive", the "what's in it for me" philosophy. Somehow I am broken; or so I've come to think. I am a nice person. I'm not perfect mind you - I'm human, I have flaws, and as such I do fall prey to wants and desires, but these are never hurtful to others. Most people these days do not share my demeanor. I have become sad and bitter with all the terrible things I've seen in this world, to the point where I've developed somewhat of a "hero complex", or at least "Mr. Nice Guy" syndrome. I just can't stand around and watch others suffer, I have to try to help. Don't get me wrong, I've felt the rage to hurt others, felt the beast within rise, felt the need to ride right over a person like a runaway tank. But I know it's not right, it's not me, and I fight within my mind the titanic battle that would else be set free - it has always hurt me when I have released the beast and hurt others. I seem to exude this Mr. Nice Guy; people who I've just met and known for only a few minutes have a tendency to say to me or others that "wow, he's such a nice guy". Life is hard and strange though, because this is another source to kindle my inner rage - in some ways I've come to hate my Mr. Nice Guy problem. You see, people recognize and label you that way. Sometimes, that's okay. Other times people see you as the nice guy and don't really give you a second thought - you've been "figured out" and "found safe" so they can ignore you to a certain extent. That or they realize they can take advantage of your good nature. Because of that, the demon rages within me, and because of what it has done the few times I've let it out, I have always maintained a forced level of control over myself. So what's a decent person to do? I've no idea, but I know that I myself have for a long time now delved into cynicism and sarcasm. It's one of the few ways I've found to vent your rage and pent up frustrations, and though I do get quite vehement at times, it is very rarely directed at someone in particular, more rare still if that person is present. I'm very much of the belief that putting down others is simply the way a person with low self-esteem can raise his ego - mind you I'd be a liar if I said I'd never done it, but I make a conscious effort not to. Part of me, has always desired so badly to scream and shout, to release the beast and empty my rage upon all that hurt others. Someway to make all aware, of the hurtful thoughts and deeds people do. To make them aware of the consequences of their actions - of the damage done to others and to themselves for having done it. To visit ten-fold destruction on all. Some sort of attempt to make others aware of what they have done or are doing; to make them guilty or hurt over these things - to make them feel something. That, that is what is most wrong in this world today. People in general, have become desensitized and apathetic - they just don't feel anymore, empathy has taken a long walk and it's not coming back, and people don't care. ::devoid8
[ quote I find appropriate - "acid" by emm gryner ] |